University Times

Every parent has encoun- tered it in one form or another: The 3-year-old who calls his mother a "butthead"; the 5-year-old who shouts, "I hate you!" or the 7-year-old who is told to do his homework and answers, "You can't make me." Children have been talking back to parents since the invention of language and nobody should expect the practice to soon end. But there are ways to prevent it, respond to it and resolve the problems causing it, according to James Bozigar, coordinator of community relations and a licensed social worker in the Family Intervention Center at Children's Hospital.

Bozigar provided suggestions for parents to try when their kids talk back during his Oct. 21 program, "When Children Talk Back or Did That Come Out of My Child's Mouth?" He spoke as part of "The Family Life Cycle: Issues for Parents" lecture series sponsored by the Faculty and Staff Assistance Program, Organization Development and the University Child Development Center.

According to Bozigar, the reasons children talk back are as varied as the children involved. Parents generally agree, though, that talking back behavior increases when children are ill, tired, or feeling pressured.

Beyond these obvious reasons, some other things to consider when children talk back are their emotional maturity, how they generally deal with anger, how they use sarcasm, how they react when frustrated and their ability to understand and respond to the concept of respect.

"Kids need to talk back, but they need ways to do it that aren't disruptive to your relationship," Bozigar said.

One important reason children talk back is because they have seen adults handle their own anger and frustrations in such a manner. Modeling is a powerful tool for teaching children how to behave, according to Bozigar. A parent's behavior is often reflected in their children.

Independence is another reason for children talking back. As children grow and become more independent, they have a need to assert more control over their own lives. Talking back can be a way for children to separate themselves from their parents.

When children feel jealous, overwhelmed by responsibility, have had a tough day or realize a personal limitation, they also might lash out. According to Bozigar, parents need to understand that their children are just as much "on stage" at school as parents are at work.

"When children come home from school, they may let out emotions that they have kept in check for the entire day," Bozigar noted. Home time may be viewed as safe time to children, a time when they can react to injustices and express their frustrations with the world.

A reason for pre-teens and teens talking back may include a need to exercise their growing sense of power in the family, according to Bozigar. The teen years are a time for children to develop personal philosophies and prove their individuality. Talking back by teenagers can be a reflection of a new-found understanding of themselves and the world, as well as a way to distance and separate themselves from parents.

When it comes to handling mouthy kids, the best way is through prevention. According to Bozigar, the quality of the parents' relationship with their children to a large extent determines the type and severity of the problem.

"You will never be able to control your children," he pointed out, and then added, "You bring children into this world to let go of them." Modeling can teach either positive or negative behavior. Parents who react calmly to frustrating or difficult situations teach their children how to deal with their own strong negative feelings when problems arise.

"Anger is one feeling that almost every parent has at one time or another," Bozigar noted. "Examine how you deal with anger. How do you respond to conflict? Think how you respond when you are angry, disappointed, upset or let down by your spouse. What techniques do you model for your child when you are angry?" Anger itself is always a secondary feeling, a response to deeper, more primary feelings that cause people to say and do many irrational and often hurtful things. When anger flares, Bozigar said, people do not think straight and lose their ability to communicate clearly. They do and say things meant to hurt, attack, repel and get even.

Parents who become angry must take time to cool down before they respond to their children. They must let go and look at the feelings that are causing the anger. In that way, Bozigar said, they teach their children to respond to conflict without being controlled by their anger.

To gain the time needed to cool down, according to Bozigar, it is acceptable to tell children such things as: "I am so angry right now, I could scream!" or, "I'm furious! I need to cool down! I need some time alone!" "The adult's role is to set limits, achieve limits and help the child succeed," Bozigar said.

Ways to cool down when angry include: counting to 100, taking 10 deep breaths, walking around the block, calling a friend, screaming in the shower, petting a pet, kneading dough, cutting the grass, listening to music, finding a quiet place and meditating or praying.

Ways parents can prevent children from talking back: Talk to your child as you want to be talked to; define what is talking back; monitor friends, media and personal speech; model anger release; teach and use problem solving and conflict resolution; develop empathy skills; use stories, toys and life events to teach the proper way to express anger.

Ways to stop children who already are talking back from continuing that behavior include: reinforcing positive behavior; ignoring the child's comments; using mild social disapproval; listening; responding to the act and not the child; problem solving; writing a note; using art; acting or toys to act out a conflict; explaining the natural or logical consequence of a behavior.

No matter what tack parents follow, though, it is never easy, Bozigar acknowledged. He noted that the average 18-year-old has spent 18,000 hours watching television, 12,000 hours in school and only 3,200 hours with his/her parents. Of the time spent with parents, about 1,000 hours are spent fighting over the television, which leaves just 2,200 hours out of 18 years for parents to teach their children how to behave in an acceptable manner.

–Mike Sajna